Next Step, Forgive Myself! This is How I Did It!

This article is part 3 of the series “Anger Held Within The Body Brought Me Arthritis - My Healing Journey ”.  If you haven’t yet read the last one, you can find it here: Shadow work releases pain, bringing in the light.  Let's dive in!

This is just one puzzle piece in the process of this healing, releasing and clearing, and here I start with forgiveness.  I have to forgive myself. What took me so long to realize within all of the work I’ve done on myself throughout the years, (silly me) is that although there are others who have hurt me, I was the primary person that hurt me and I had to forgive myself in order to help bring the light back into my bones and especially my hip with arthritis.  Fear does crazy things to a person and because I was truly fearful that if I don’t release it all before my surgery, I may end up in a worse predicament physically at some point in the future. 

Those of you that know me, know that I grew up in a home of dysfunction and without a voice.  In living as the child who did what she was told so as not to wake the beast who was my father, I essentially taught myself that my feelings and opinions didn’t matter, effectively creating cancer of the thyroid by not using my voice.   I learned that lesson back then and now in my later years, I realize that I continued that pattern while raising my own family, also without a voice. Through the years, I’ve worked really hard on being able to now speak my truth and although I am doing so, apparently I never did forgive myself for living life for so long without speaking my personal truth.   

My healing process was completed through meditation and I did this numerous times with numerous people and circumstances from my past to release the anger that I continued to hold onto.   But this in particular, is my inner child healing experience, which was taught to me by my very first healer. While meditating, I went back to my childhood self and sat with that wounded little girl for quite a bit.  This was a difficult process for me as all of the pain in my childhood came flooding back in. As I sat there with her, both of us crying over all of the relived past pains that we had endured together, I began to hold her and tell her it’s not her fault.  I continued reaffirming to her that all of the abuse that she had witnessed and lived through was not her fault. She was an innocent with awful circumstances and none of it had anything to do with her.  

Once the tears passed and we calmed in each others arms, I then proceeded to apologize to the little girl that became a grown woman, still not able to speak her truth, creating illness and pain in her adult life.  I told her that too wasn’t her fault and that I’m sorry that I wasn’t strong enough. I told her that I’m sorry for not being able to stand up bravely and do what was right for us. I apologized for not taking care of us, for neglecting our needs and putting everyone else’s  needs before our own. I apologized to that child for making us sick. Again floodgates opened of rapidly flowing tears. 

And when we calmed once again, finally I asked her for her forgiveness.   She lovingly held me and we cried again for what seemed like an eternity together.  This process, although so very painful and completely exhausting, was truly freeing once I brought myself back to the present.  It was like the weight of the world had surely been lifted from me with all of my tears of release. After all these years, I had finally forgiven myself.

I continued to do a meditation going back in time for all of the people and circumstances in my past that needed healing and forgiveness.  What is it that they say?...Healing is not for the faint of heart! I may have just made that up, but truly, forgiveness is hard work. It’s some of the hardest work I’ve ever done.  And once again, I’ll remind you that you don’t forgive others to let them off the hook.  You forgive yourself and others so that you can clear, heal, transmute and dissolve the emotional wounds, trauma, harm and damage that closes your heart.  

Again, this was just part of my process of healing.  Keep your eyes peeled for the next part of my healing journey:

​Heal Your Body and Mind While You Sleep - Retrain the Brain

If you find yourself in a dark place needing to release something within you, I can help so reach out to me and as with any of my articles, please share this article with anyone you think may need to hear any of this!

Love and Light to you!
Nicole Lawler

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